I got up this morning after a wonderful 3 day weekend with my husband and a lot of good food.  Been reading about external rewards versus internal rewards. Food has been one of my favorite external rewards. 30 lbs up: 30 lbs down. And now keeping off 10 for a year - a new way to be. My new goal is 10 lbs off per year- that's about a lb a month, I think I can do that. There's no rush. I still get really excited when I step on that scale. This morning after my 90 minute hot yoga class (in 100 temp room) I stepped on the scale and smiled and threw my hands up in Joy! Right where I wanted to be... Pleasantly surprised after the weekend. The thought of that joy will carry me through the day- a long day at that. 

My 19 y.o. son  and I were eating dinner on our front patio and talking about self-esteem and friends. I asked him if he ever had low self-esteem and he pointed out that he never had friends coming to the house until he became a freshman in High School . He said that one of the things he realized was that he needed to be a better listener…His response suggested to me that having friends improved his self-esteem... Out of the mouth of babes…So here I am at 50. Being married complicates friendships I think. My husband is probably my best friend, but he doesn’t like to do all the things I like to do. He has very different energy than me.  I don’t really think that your significant other should like every thing the same, how boring would that be? ---- it’s also important to be my own best friend, often that is a challenge for me…. So I want to know what qualities do you think it takes to be a friend? 

I like to go from here to there. With each significant change I feel both loss & gain; excitement and fear. I feel like a rock that has not moved right now, moss starting to grow on one side. Looking for ways to make the routine less mundane. Trying to be more mindful and appreciate what I have rather than this yearning; focus on the blessings. And as I make my mind up to be more like this, the opportunities for change present themselves. I immediately think, "who can I call?" to talk to about this and the question reverberates telling me, "no one is going to answer you with what you want to hear." If I choose to make a change, then, it needs to be a mindful change. The moss will wear off as I roll into a new place. Then I think about all those people that depend on me, believing my presence is valuable to them. Yet, I realize on a more intellectual level, "that's my ego talking." But I want to be valuable....It seems that I need to value myself from the inside out---- talking, knowing, doing TRUTH. Not so easy.

I have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 20 years and most of those years we lived next door to the Fishers. We are almost like family. Anytime my washer or dryer break or vice versa we just call or knock on one another's door and I know the answer will always be "no problem"...And as far as the larger neighborhood- people walking by my house everyday with their dogs or children or a friend greeting me with a smile; people sharing their overabundance of fruit; Caring and Sharing--- that's a good neighboorhood!

I will be 50 next month. The older I get, the more I enjoy life! I am so blessed! I am excited to see what kind of gray hair I will have. Will it be silver? Or white? Curly or straight? Getting older I find myself… I find myself appreciating more aspects of who I am – I am falling in love with myself, and although I am not as physically strong or as physically healthy, my spirit soars and I am still so thankful!

Choice implies control. I ask- Is happiness a feeling or a state of mind? There are moments and maybe even days When I ARRIVE to that Happiness state of mind, I no longer seek happiness. It finds me as I get grounded in the moment and just appreciate the beauty of what is. I am sure there are those that would not understand how I find beauty in very painful and maybe ugly experiences- but it is there- It is sitting and meditating with whatever it is and before you know it….much easier than it sounds and I am no expert…